Yesterday I called mom at lunch. It's my typical routine since I know she's lonely during the day... Well.. she told me dad's insurance crapped out cause the company couldn't pay for it... Not only that... they retro-dated it back to march.

This means the last two remicaid treatments won't be covered like they said they would be when they called and asked. Remicaid costs around 10,000 dollars a treatment. It's no wonder mom sounded like she was about to cry. She called Bluecross and asked if they'd cover her and they said no because she had Crohn's. She couldn't get a hold of medicaid... -Sighs- When I hung up I told her to call me if she needed me... I always do.

Forty-five minutes later she calls me hysterical and crying saying she fell and there was blood everywhere and that she called 911... I ran from work like a bat out of hell. Dad did too. It was like out of a horror film... blood in the yard... trailed through the house. She fell out the back door and down the steps... her skin is tissue paper thin... it was like someone skinned her... It was awful.

Somehow the nurse was a miracle and got the stitches to hold and patched her back together like a patchwork quilt. But I don't want to see the bill for an ambulance and emergency room without insurance. It frightens me.. and I don't want to imagine dad and mom's fear of it. I'm happy she's ok... but it's not over yet. Wounds don't heal on her because of the remicaid... she's prone to infection as well.

God... I feel like I've been on the verge of tears since 12 pm yesterday and it won't go away.

I want to crawl under a rock today.

My boss has been pushing me to write manuals. Manuals on how to do my job. Now... normal people would realize right away this is a BAD thing. And as good as my manuals are... a monkey could do the work as long as he can read. Which means? I'm replaceable.

So... it's a write the manual and get replaced or don't write the manual and get fired for not doing as told. Catch 22 much?

Thus I was upset. Then he goes to lunch and comes back late knowing I had to stay to man the phones. He's supposed to hold them while I'm at lunch. He came back and went straight into a meeting he never told me about so I couldn't plan around it. Needless to say... I'm not happy at all by this point. I had to leave the phones to voicemail. Big no no. Run and get food and come back.

I backed into my office admin's car... I don't think it hurt it... I told her if it did I'd pay for it... I hate my life.

I got an iMac....

I think I'm in love.

If I didn't love my pc games so much. I'd be a Mac fan utterly. -Sigh-

Ahhh... yes... My love for Gambit has been reaffirmed. He's still my sexy Cajun and luckily the new movie kept him that way. <333

You Scored as Gambit Gambit is another loner character. He loves Rogue. He has a very cool deboner personality. He's done things in his past that he's not proud of but he atones for his actions by fighting for peace with the X-Men. His weapon of choice is the playing card. Powers: Charges objects with kinetic energy by touching them, then they explode like grenades. Gambit 75% Rogue 70% Iceman 70% Storm 70% Wolverine 65% Jean Grey 65% Beast 60% Nightcrawler 60% Colossus 55% Emma Frost 50% Cyclops 45%

I figure I'll post. Why not?

I've been scrounging to save money for a down payment for a car. Even though I'm doing that... I have this feeling I won't get one. I make myself sick just thinking about being that far in debt. Who knows. My car is clattering like a hundred little miners are in there beating on the engine. It's not runny bad... but the noise is unsettling. Jimi says there are Toyota Gnomes in my engine. That made me laugh. XD

I want a Rav4. Oddly enough I think my dad wants me to get a mustang. o_o And name it Barricade. I think my dad has more issues than me. XD But at least it makes me laugh. I told him I'd rather name it Kitt... even if Kitt is a Shelby and not a GT. (Barricade is technically a Saleen anyway.) It was funny to see him pout over this.

I've been really tired lately. Like really bad tired and I can't sleep. It's really irritating. I know I'm typically an insomniac, but rarely am I so tired that I'm falling asleep after 2 in the afternoon. I start waking up generally around 11. I really need to get healthier. Meaning diet too. Not those crappy diets that make you whine and cry... you know... just healthier. Less junk, more health. >> I laugh at me for imagining the notion. I'm so weak willed.

Not like there is a point. Losing weight... getting 'prettier'. What does it really matter? Not like I go out and meet people. I won't be suddenly meeting my future husband. I'm pretty much in a rut. I work. I kick back at home. I sleep. Then redo it all over again times five. My life is so exciting. Be careful, you might have heart palpitations. Anyway... whatever. I think I gave up on me a long time ago. That's probably 99% of my problem.

Anway! Enough rambling.

It's actually good to be back in my office. I never noticed how comfortable I was here. But then, I've worked here one month over a year. Let us cross our fingers!

I don't think I'll ever move out at this point. I just don't think I make enough money to make it. And well... I'm too damn picky to get a room mate. I'd feel sorry for anyone that tried. << Oh well... Guess mom and dad are stuck with me until I get a raise... like that will happen.

Anyway! Happy to be home and not dreading getting on another plane. Turbulence put the fear of God in you... as well as the fear of bad weather. x_x

Anyway, all's calm on the western front. (Maybe better to say southern?) Hope it's the same for everyone else.

-Heidi

You Scored as Omega Supreme You are Omega Supreme. The Autobot's ship and loyal protector! Omega Supreme 83% Prowl 71% Lockdown 67% Megatron 67% Blurr 67% Ultra Magnus 58% Shockwave 58% Optimus Prime 54% Starscream 54% Soundwave 54% Bulkhead 54% Lugnut 50% Wasp 46% Constructicons 46% Black Arachnia 46% Blitzwing 46% Bumblebee 46% Jazz 42% Grimlock 42% Wreck-Gar 33% Sentinel Prime 29% Ratchet 29% Swindle 29%

O_o I'm an immense weapon of destruction. With... feelings?

Oh my god scary. First plane trip tomorrow.

PRAY THE PLANE STAYS IN THE AIR!

-Coughs- If men were meant to fly, they would have been born with wings.

<3

Well. I think I might live. Maybe. XD

A great doctor once told me "You're not ready for the basket yet." I miss that man. But it's something that comes back to mind frequently. And if he were still with us, I'd thank him for having so much faith in me.

So, my concentration is null. I try to focus on work and my mind flies in thousands of different directions. I've messed up a few things here... and there is one thing I hate doing... making mistakes. Especially ones that bite back. Call it the perfectionist in me. I want to do my best and not regret... Ah yes, the perfect world.

For the downs now, I feel ok with them. Surprisingly. I'll be pushing Patches aka my car, to keep it together. Even if I have to use duct tape. I may even let dad do the unthinkable and paint it. x_x Poor Patches... I'll have to change her name to gloppy. But he's taking it personally and I hate seeing him pouty. I'm a sap.

So, Sean quit smoking. Thank god. I hate the smell of smoke and he's obnoxious when he smokes. In domino effect, Diana and him wanted to have a kid. But almost instantly three of her cousins got knocked up and don't know the fathers. Poor Diana... But my family will still be shrieking for joy!!! We want a baby to SPOIL. -Coughs-

Wish me luck on kicking the insomnia and focusing on my work. I'll keep all of you in my thoughts. Best wishes and you're all in my prayers.

Here's a not so regular update. -Laughs-

Well, works been crazy, but we at least have some good news. We're still floundering at the moment, but the bosses are saying that we'll make it through the economy slump. We're all sort of pooling our efforts to make this work. It sort of feels like family now. Where I still get frustrated with my direct boss... it's easier to get past the upsets and move on. He's even taking me to Rochester, NY for some training. Ah gee... four days with him. Dunno if I can do it. XD

Either way, I need to get used to it. Dad's work has even cut his work week down. I've been having to chip in with their bills because of it. I don't mind... they're my parents and they've always dug me out. I'd feel down right ungrateful if I didn't. It's just been hard... especially since my car is choosing now to laugh at me and start sputtering and trying to die. So... that cost a pretty penny and it's not even finished. I have no clue how much this is going to cost me. So much for a cushion... mom says I need a new car even. -Headdesk.-

Then my laptop crashed. And I resoundingly say... God hates me right now. I paid so much for that thing. And it crashes. Ah... the sound of my breaking heart was epic. Now I'm just a bit bitter after two days of fixing and restoring the gimp. Why didn't I just buy a mac? Oh right... I had to be a gamer. -Dies-

I'm tired. I miss my car. And my boss had to come in and start asking me how I've been doing and I had to start crying. I didn't know I was that upset to be honest. It shocked me when I didn't even see or feel the tears coming as I told him I couldn't get a new car. -Sighs- I'd have to be the fanciest dealer out there to wheel and deal with a dealership for something reasonable for me.

So I'm going to take a deep breath and pray God's done teaching me whatever lesson I need to learn. Cause this murphy's law thing isn't working out for me so much. Nuh-uh.

I went to bed early last night. I was overwhelmed by that heavy sort of tired that can only come from stress. I felt like a bobble head the way my head seemed to sway of its own volition. I had hoped it would clear up that cloud of apathetic lethargy so I could at least finish the week out on a good note. Maybe I should have stayed tired one more night.

 

When I woke up this morning, I was slow moving.  I have been all week. But it wasn’t because I was tired this morning. But when things started going wrong…. Couldn’t find my keys… didn’t leave enough time for breakfast… left my money on the table… I was all but a volcanic eruption of anger. Slamming doors, cursing under my breath and marching out of the house. I feel rather foolish now.

 

Stress or no stress, I shouldn’t have allowed myself to go off like that. I’m sure I made a lovely start for my mother’s day as well acting like that. I have friends in much dire situations than myself… some I’m very worried about.

 

I realize I’ve been reclusive and snippy at best. I’m sorry. I’ll work on it. I owe my mom a phone call later as well. My job may not be prime pickings… but I have a job. They need me. And I need to keep it together for them. Cause the quality of my work has been lowering as well.

 

I’m really getting behind in my work. And this latest project has thrown me even far behind. -Sighs-  I can’t win.

 

That apathy is coming on again. And I can’t tell if I’m depressed… or if I just don’t care anymore.

How evil are you?


-Evil snicker.- It seems I haven't lost my touch... unlike other people. -Cough- Chibi -Cough!-

Part two.

I lied. Not so happy. In fact... I'm tired of trying. People throw things into my hands and tell me to fix it. Maybe not directly... maybe not intentionally... But I take every task to heart.

It occurred to me today... why I like characters like Itachi.... Seishiro... Because no one knows what the hell is going on in their head. And I want that.... Oh God I want that... I want to be able to lock everything up so tight and never let anyone see what I really feel. To laugh and smile even when I want to kill, cry, or scream...

I have been working my ass off. Done everything humanly possible to do what my boss asked of me. I can't do it. I can't do it and he pointed out today how disappointed he is in the fact that I've not gotten further... Which... equates to "I'm disappointed in you."

Now... if anyone wanted that little tidbit of information on the best way to destroy me.... there it is in four little words.

When I work toward something, I give my all. I work hard and make it as close to perfect as I can... I know there are chances for failure. I'm not so blind to think I can do anything... but right now.... 

I'm sick... I feel like my head is gonna explode... I've worked with a sore throat and fever all day... He was mad I didn't come in early... But I stayed till seven last night getting ready... Only to be told to do it over before I could hit print...

"I just want your best 40 hours that you can give me." 

Then why am I working 50 to 60? I don't understand... I can't do it... I don't know what to do...

I'll be in at 6 am tomorrow... Maybe I can put a dent in life. Because right now... I'm falling apart. Hello... I'm broken.

Sometimes I think it's hard to believe I've lived 26 years. I've not accomplished a whole lot to be noteworthy of. I wish... more like hope, that somewhere along the way, I left small imprints of myself. Good things that helped change or encourage someone for the better. I've always wanted to believe that I have been a good person.

When I stare down the different stages of my life, I can't help but wonder at the changes and alterations of who I am. Some for better, some for worse... and through it all, I see some staying the same.

I can't control my temper anymore. I literally lose it. I'd sooner throttle something than take a situation calmly. I  can't say that's normal... nor can I say it's healthy. Stress is eating me up like a cancer. I hate that word, but it's probably the most malicious description I can come up with. Mom wants me to see a 'counselor'. If dad heard that... I'd instantly be labeled a crazy. Funny thing is, I agree.

Sad thing is? I have no time. I actually have PTO now. I could take vacation time in a perfect world. In reality, at work I'm so busy, missing even one day would be detrimental. I have so much to do. It's like standing at the bottom of the mountain and staring up at it gaping. I know it's safest to start with what's at your feet and work your way out. But it's mighty lonely standing there alone. I have no one to turn to for help. I have to buck up. You know, I've been taking it pretty well... sans the stress. Now... just thinking about what I'm diving into tomorrow... I want to curl in a corner and cry.

I've always believed me a capable and strong person. I'm expected to be. I don't back down.... I want to turn tail so bad now it hurts.

I'm happy. I have a job. I have income... I can pay things off where I never could before. I can actually give my parents money when they need it. That is an amazing feeling... But I'm so tired. So absolutely tired. The kind of tired that drains your soul and leaves this huge chasm in it's wake. When I get home by 6:30 in the evening.... I just feel spent. And knowing I'll be home even later....

I want to write. God... I want to write so bad I feel like something is clawing at my heart begging. I don't have time... and when I make time... I can't calm down or stay attentive enough to put my thoughts down. This entry is as close as it gets.

So... If you are reading this... and you have been desperately waiting for the next chapter. I'm sorry. I swear... if I make it through thanksgiving... I'll scrape myself back to my feet and rise above it. Right now.... right now it's my own self doubt that keeps me trapped in the mind set of fear. I don't want to leak my feelings into my writing if I force it....

Well... I've gone on long enough. Sorry for the angsty content. Next time I post, it will be better. That is my goal. Because even though I feel weak and down trodden... I'll rise above it. I'll get to my second wind even if it kills me. I have too many waiting for me.

So much love to you all. Those of past, present, and future.

I had the funniest realization just now as I wrote answers to a questionnaire. I've changed a lot. My answers used to be light... silly even. It's really strange. I wonder if that's good or bad.

Oddly enough, a week after I get laid off, my supervisor got a teaching job. So, they called me and offered me her job. Crazy isn't it? I got teased quite a bit when I went back about how I just took a vacation...

It's nice to know they valued my work enough to call me back... and I'm happy it was with a raise and a promotion.

I know it won't last forever... but I'll give my best until I have to move on to something else. Sorry for worrying anyone.

So the ax was dropped today. The company was having problems... and thus cutbacks were necessary. Guess who was the newest? Yeah...

I was laid off this morning.

Go figure. Back to job hunting. -Sighs-

-Steps up and coughs slightly before taking a deep breath.-

I HAVE A JOB!

-Happy squee~!-

I started today and will be working Monday through Friday from 8 to 5. The people are great... and the perk? It's in the magazine industry. <33333

Anyway, after all the angst, I wanted to deliver the ray of sunshine. Thanks everyone for supporting me.